Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."
"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"
"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,
"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
One day a man was pissing in a public bathroom and a midget walked in and set up a step-ladder. When the man looked down, he noticed the midget staring at his balls.
"Excuse me, sir," said the midget. "I was just really admiring your balls. Mind if I hold them?"
"Why not?" said the man.
So the midget grabs onto one of his balls and says, "Now give me your wallet or I'll jump!"
Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and groceries are flown in once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there stand a huge, bearded man, more grizzly than human.
"My name's Lars.
I'm your neighbour from forty miles away.
Having a party Friday. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00pm."
"Great," says Sam, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.
" As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. There's gonna be some drinkin'.
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More than likely gonna be some fightin, too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's REALLY not a problem," says Sam.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a
new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer
were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This
one was from Kingman, KS.
__________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
__________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in
Wichita, KS
__________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was
leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a
bunch at Texas Instruments.
__________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
__________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the
Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Linear Mode
